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Thursday, September 24, 2009

Writer's block

I don't know what to say anymore.

We are still out of our "element" - whatever it was anyway.

I don't want to talk on the phone.

I don't want the phone to ring.

I don't want to be asked how I am, how Megan is, how anyone is.

This sucks and we all feel it. I have run out of nice ways to say it.

The longer we are here, the more it plays with your mind - with all of our minds.

We have had kids get better, be discharged, come back, and pass away in front of our eyes and we are still here.

But part of me does not want to speed things up because then I won't be able look into my daughter's eyes anymore and I'll have to try to figure out what to do for the rest of my life.

If I could be any animal in the world, I would be a turtle. Not because its my favorite animal, but because they have a place to withdraw to and shut everything else out.

Tomorrow I may feel different. I hope so. But today, this is me.


Pamm said...

As always, I love your honesty.
Thank you. Even when we know that God is in control, we are allowed to feel the way you do.

Anonymous said...

There are no words to say . . . I love you.


signingcharity said...

This is me is okay. Love you turtle lady.

Anonymous said...

HI Lori.
I know exactly how you feel, as I am very much in the same place as you at the moment.
I have two children with special needs, and for a while now I just don't want to answer the phone or talk to anyone...so I don't!

I feel torn between doing what I have to do, what I want to do and what I must do everyday,it is emotionally draining, so I just do.Going through the motions and not thinking about tomorrow very much.

Enjoy your time with Megan, love her but love yourself too.
Take time out, and trust that whatever happens, no matter what you do, is going to happen in anycase.

You are as always in my thoughts and prayers.


Carol said...

Lori, you are so "normal". I can't imagine anyone in your situation not feeling at times what you are feeling. Embrace the fact the Lord can handle all our feelings and emotions in draining times and he is there to love us, even if we don't always feel it. You are all precious to Him and to us. Aunt Carol