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Saturday, May 22, 2010

Happy Birthday, Monica!

Last year, her birthday was on the Friday Field day at school and she had strawberry ice cream for breakfast. This year, we are going out to breakfast, taking her to a couple of shops to pick her presents out, and just relaxing.

Monica is 9 years old today!

This picture is from her 4th birthday! She is growing and changing so much. She has been through a lot this year and in her little life. And, for the most part, is a very joyful and loving kid. I love you, Girlie!

Sunday, May 16, 2010

Sunday mornings..

have been really difficult for me since Megan went to Heaven. It's hard to get yourself psyched up to go and participate at a place where people are talking, laughing, and singing praises to God. I haven't been in a place emotionally to deal with all of the lyrics that some of the choruses have. Sometimes I mouth the words. Sometimes I try to sing with that huge lump in my throat. Sometimes I just stand there and listen and I can't fight that huge lump. Tears just come on their own.

I don't have a doom and gloom feeling. I know that Megan is safe. I know that I will see her again. I am just overwhelmed by a stream of emotions. Of course I am not going to deny sorrow over the obvious separation we temporarily have. But, I am thankful that Megan is in safe keeping, that we have accepted the free gift that God has given us, that one day we will all be together again, and we will be able to see what our girl looks like in perfect condition and how differently we will be able to interact with her than when we were together here on earth.

Each Sunday, as I contemplate what all this means and at least listen to the lyrics, I have felt guilty. I don't want other people to think that I don't have hope for the future - because I do. I get through most of the week at home sidestepping the landmines that I know about (mostly). But, when I get in the presence of Jesus - I don't feel like crying, "Holy, Holy, Holy!" I just feel like crying. Some Sundays, I have contemplated not going to church because of it.

Then, a couple weeks ago, I heard this song and felt comforted. God does want to know how we feel. It's ok for me to have those feelings. One day, I will feel like crying, "Holy, Holy, Holy!" again. Until then, I hope this song speaks the voice of Jesus telling me He understands.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Busy, Busy

Today I am...

1. getting ready for a garage sale. I said there's a lot more where this came from!
2. reading in blogland.
3. doing some laundry.
4. planning for next week's flea market stuff.
5. trying to my house looking decent even though I am getting a ton of stuff out for the yard sale.
6. running some errands.
7. finding so many grocery sacks. I could probably help about 5 yard sales out with those - they are multiplying like rabbits X 10!!!
8. trying to make sense of myself. I have all these activities going and can't focus on any one thing for any amount of time.
9. wishing I could just figure out how to do one thing, finish it, and move to another before starting something new.
10. trying to make the most of the time I have with my family!

Monday, May 10, 2010

Flea Market

My husband is accompanying me at the Flea Market (about an hour from home) on Tuesdays and Wednesdays this year. This is my fourth year participating as a vendor at the Flea Market and I have always sat in my booth alone, with the exception for one long 4th of July holiday a couple of years ago.

We are staying in my parents' trailer at a nearby campground. We are getting 2 days/evenings each week of alone time this month. Last week was the first time that we have had any alone time like that since we became parents.

We are beginning to make plans for our "alone activities" (other than the obvious) during the part of the week that we are at home. It is something nice we are looking forward to. Although we both miss Monica and she says she doesn't like being without us those two days, it is something Ken and I have needed for a long time! When you have a stressful medical schedule to follow, you just focus on getting done what needs to be done and then crashing at the end of the day (if its your turn). That doesn't leave much time to just be together and enjoy the company.

Now, we have the chance to learn new things about how we are different and remember what we liked about one another in the beginning. It's something to be thankful for in the midst of trying to find our way as our lives change.

Saturday, May 8, 2010

I'm overwhelmed...

...by the thoughts in my head.
...by the fact that I have gone so long without thinking of something to say.
...by the number of times I have to tell myself, "Just pick something and start!"
...by the clothes on the overflowing closets, drawers, and laundry room.
...by the toys and stuff strewn about the house.
...by the number of boxes in the basement that need dealt with.
...by the lists of things to do running in my brain keeps playing over and over, adding new items each time I run through it.
...by the number of choices I have each day.
...by the thought of not getting my "get up and go" moving.
...by the number of holidays there are throughout the year.
...by the sight of so many of Megan's things around.
...by the thought of needing to do something with those things that differ from the reason we got them in the first place.
...by the number of things I am asked to do each day by my family members.
...by the fact that I have let so many things just lie for so long that now I don't remember what I was doing with them.
...by the number of verses there are in the Bible.
...by my girl's homework.
...by my dog's need for love and affection.
...by the fact that this list is no where near exhaustive and has no sense of order.
...by the number of things I must do each day for my business.
...by the amount of time I have to do those tasks in.
...by the number of minutes to the day.
...by the number of days it has been since I last felt like myself.