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Sunday, May 16, 2010

Sunday mornings..

have been really difficult for me since Megan went to Heaven. It's hard to get yourself psyched up to go and participate at a place where people are talking, laughing, and singing praises to God. I haven't been in a place emotionally to deal with all of the lyrics that some of the choruses have. Sometimes I mouth the words. Sometimes I try to sing with that huge lump in my throat. Sometimes I just stand there and listen and I can't fight that huge lump. Tears just come on their own.

I don't have a doom and gloom feeling. I know that Megan is safe. I know that I will see her again. I am just overwhelmed by a stream of emotions. Of course I am not going to deny sorrow over the obvious separation we temporarily have. But, I am thankful that Megan is in safe keeping, that we have accepted the free gift that God has given us, that one day we will all be together again, and we will be able to see what our girl looks like in perfect condition and how differently we will be able to interact with her than when we were together here on earth.

Each Sunday, as I contemplate what all this means and at least listen to the lyrics, I have felt guilty. I don't want other people to think that I don't have hope for the future - because I do. I get through most of the week at home sidestepping the landmines that I know about (mostly). But, when I get in the presence of Jesus - I don't feel like crying, "Holy, Holy, Holy!" I just feel like crying. Some Sundays, I have contemplated not going to church because of it.

Then, a couple weeks ago, I heard this song and felt comforted. God does want to know how we feel. It's ok for me to have those feelings. One day, I will feel like crying, "Holy, Holy, Holy!" again. Until then, I hope this song speaks the voice of Jesus telling me He understands.


signingcharity said...

I want to call you and tell you how great I think this post is. It is amazing. But I don't think I could even say hello without starting to cry. Thank you for sharing a glimpse of your heart. I love you very much!!!

Anonymous said...

He does understand and He loves you like no one else can. He does want the truth, even when the truth hurts. I had never heard that song, but I am so glad you found it. I hope it can help your heart know that what you have is more than ok with His heart. He broke His own heart for us, so He knows what a broken heart feels like. I know we say we understand sometimes, but I also know we will never truly understand what YOU feel. We miss her, but she was your baby. Know that we love you and are still praying for you, Ken, and Monica.

Kristine said...

Beautiful song speaking beautiful Truth.

Candice said...

Don't feel guilty. You are doing the best you can. Hang in there!

Pamm said...

Oh Lori. It's good to see how honest you're being with yourself (and us readers) but my heart breaks knowing what you're feeling and working through. Your thoughts and feelings seem healthy and normal (in my unprofessional opinion) but they probably feel very far from healthy to you. They probably just feel sad and painful. I'm glad to read that you still have hope and faith. Those things will continue to increase in your heart- I'm sure of it. I'm praying for you, Friend.

trooppetrie said...

please know i am still praying for you. I can not imagine what you are going through but I know we serve a God who can heal our hearts.