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Sunday, May 15, 2011


is exactly 1 week before Monica's 10th Birthday. I love her so very much. We spent the day going through her dresser and closet and switching her wardrobe to warmer weather wear. It has been a bittersweet day. There have been many things that have reminded me that this is all the time I got to spend with Megan. We looked at so many outfits that Megan wore first. We put some away for good. Others, we put away for next fall and winter. Then, I realized we will probably have only one more season with older sister clothes to wear. Monica used to be so excited to get into Megan's new sizes. She always thought Megan had the cutest clothes and she hardly ever stained them or wore them out.

I am so thankful that we're not having an early birthday party today because our time fell short with her. I don't think my heart could handle it.

But, on the other hand, it's hard to wrap my mind around the fact that Monica will have surpassed her sister in age. Is she older now? Will she ask me that question and make me choose an answer? How long will it be before someone reminds me of this fact? And, will I have the grace to smile and nod? Or, will they get the brunt of my grief and pain?

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

Thanks for the encouragement

God knows I need it. I have felt a little bit of the weight coming off my shoulders since my last post. I've been told that Social Workers are the hardest people to admit that they need help since they are so used to helping others. I should be able to fix myself, right? It's easy to see signs of mental health in others. Not so much yourself, I guess.

I've been reading lately and am trying to come to terms with naming some of the feelings I have. Grief is hard. As soon as you think you've turned a corner, it smacks you in the face.

Friday, March 25, 2011

I'm not OK!

I have been living the last year and a half of my life keeping busy and just accepting that this is the road I have to walk. This was the plan for me. I have find a way to move on and not concentrate on the past. There's nothing I can do to change it. She's not coming back. There's no use in thinking any different. I just HAVE to accept it.

When I was little and got disciplined, I would literally take what I had to in public without frowning, wincing, or shedding a tear. Then, when I was all alone in the privacy of my own space, I allowed myself to release the feelings that I needed.

I can't hold it together anymore. I feel bad. I can't concentrate. I am tired. I can't sleep. I don't know how to name, let alone release, the feelings inside me. And it really sucks.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Devotional for the Grieving

I found this 30-day devotional that is based on the book of Psalms today. It is free to download and print. You can find it at the Raising Arrows blog. It is written by a mother who lost her baby in 2008.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Chad and Baby Miranda

Update 2/9/11:
Sometimes the miracle lies in the ability to understand the answer you are given, persevere, and trust that God's promises will prevail in your life.

Baby Miranda went to live with her Mommy and Jesus last night. Please continue to keep Chad in your prayers. He has a tough road ahead of him. But he is still praising God for the strength and courage he received in the last few days - and the ones to come.

This weekend friends of ours were in a car accident. The Lord called Sara (the wife) home to Jesus. She was due to deliver their first born child at the end of this month. Doctors were able to deliver their daughter, Miranda. She is on life support, with no brain activity. Today is the day a miracle needs to happen. PLEASE pray with me, and thousands of others, as we pray comfort for Chad in the loss of his wife, and for a miracle from God. Baby Miranda is so perfect!

This is their family website. They waited for a long time to get pregnant and have blogged about their journey to meeting their baby.

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Free Printables

I am finishing up on some forms for special needs families to use for various medical issues needed. The links to these free printable forms will be available shortly. They include:

  1. Medication Lists - both detailed and compact

  2. Daily routines

  3. Packing lists for day outings, school, vacations

  4. Observations/issues to be discussed at the next doctor's appointment - collecting raw data

I am currently working on getting the .pdf hosting that I want to use ironed out since I can't upload a .pdf file to blogger.

Are there any other types of forms that you would use or find useful that you would like to see?

Monday, January 24, 2011

I will be showing my face here..

Soon. It's amazing how fast time goes by when you're so busy you can't think straight. My family went weeks without much interaction from me throughout the holidays and so I tried to give more time to them when January started and I have been slowing down a bit.

I learned last year that keeping myself busy through the holiday season was helpful in keeping my mind off of certain issues in my life. This year I was a lot busier. I wanted to try to enjoy at least some of the season, but it was still hard.

Now, I am puzzled trying to find a new jumping off point. I have a couple new things planned and will tell about them in the next post that I am psyching myself up for. Until then, hope you are having a fun winter - even though I really hate snow and we've had two feet of it forever already.