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Monday, February 1, 2010

I don't know what to say...

so I haven't said anything.

My life is so different, and I don't know what to do with myself although I know I have a list of things to do written down beside me.

It's harder to move my body to do the things I know I should be doing.

It's quieter here.

I don't want to visit places and see people I haven't seen in a while. I don't want them to ask me how I am. All that comes into my mind to say is that "my daughter died." It sucks and I don't want that to be the first thing that I think about when I'm asked how I am.

It's something I want people to know. But, I don't want to say it out loud, to hear it again and again.

I get so nervous about that question that I start to physically feel sick and shaky, and I can't hold back the tears.

This hurts!

All I did was go to the dentist this morning, and I am a basket case.

7 comments:

signingcharity said...

You are a strong, amazing woman. Honest. I wish I could give you a big, fat hug. Grab Kisses and cuddle him!

shan said...

Lori, I went to the dentist last week. I was a basket case too. I was terrified they would ask how my little girl was doing, the one I brought with me last time to have her tiny perfect teeth checked out. I didn't know how to tell them she was in Heaven... that she died... I feel the exact same way most of the time. I want to say but am afraid if I speak the words this careful balance I have will fall apart. Hugs dear friend:)

Anonymous said...

I miss Megan so much it hurts, my precious little Angel. She could always make me smile and I did the same for her. My life is different also because I can't physically see her and touch her but I look at her pictures everyday. I can feel what you are feeling Lori. There is no replacement for my beautiful Megan. Love, Mom Boes

Arin said...

I simply cannot imagine your pain, Lori. I said a prayer for you.

Kristine said...

I think you are amazing! Praying for the Lord's peace and leading as you walk down this road.

Love,
Kristine

ChaneyM said...

You have every right to be a basket case and every right to mourn for as long as you feel is the right amount of time. There is no limit and no shame. I know you must be hugging Monica close for as long as she lets you.

Amy said...

Lori, I am jsut catching up on all my blogs and came across this one. I am sorry you are feeling anxious about going places and being asked ?'s. Anxiety is horrible and your reason for it I cant comprehend. I am still praying for you, you are a very strong amazing person!