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Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Processing

I am an analytical thinker. I was going to put this post on about Megan's funeral and the many wonderful flowers, thoughts, etc. that everyone has sent to us. It has really been a great source of comfort to us.

I was really worried about what my last memory of seeing Megan was going to be like. I have always been very uncomfortable with death, not wanting to get close to others who were dying or already passed away. I have been the type that has trouble dealing with viewing people in their caskets. When I was in college my class on bereavement visited a funeral home and I had nightmares for a couple weeks after that field trip.

The funeral home did a very nice job with preparing Megan's body. I always viewed her as a baby because of all the care she needed. However, she looked like a porcelain angel just sleeping. I always knew she was a beautiful little girl. But, she was breathtakingly beautiful. I took pictures so that I could remember how she looked because it felt like a message to me that she is at total peace now.

Many of you also know that Megan's 10th Birthday was the day after her funeral. We bought a balloon bouquet and took it out to her grave site - which looks beautiful with her flowers on it. It was a very emotional day for us. Our family met out at the cemetery, held hands in a circle, and sang "Happy Birthday" to Megan. I could only sing two lines of the song before I started crying.

While I took many pictures last week, I find it hard to edit and prepare them right now. It is still so hard for me to say out loud that Megan is not with us anymore. It has been almost two weeks - long enough to feel the absence, but not long enough yet for her to just return from a vacation (even though I know better).

Thursday, October 8, 2009

10 years ago today...

I woke in the early hours of the morning multiple times until I got so excited I had to get up. I had cramps that turned into pains very quickly. About 6:30am I got Ken up and told him how I felt and asked him what he thought. He sat on the couch with me and we talked about calling the midwives to ask them what they thought.

I decided to get in the shower while Ken called the midwives at the hospital. We moved to South Bend one month prior to my due date and decided not to change hospitals. The plan was to drive to Kalamazoo from South Bend for the delivery. When I got out of the shower, Ken said the midwives told him to bring me in slowly and that we should have plenty of time to get there. If I wasn't ready by the time we got there we could go out to breakfast and then come back to the hospital later. (My pains did not yet meet the 5-1-1 rule.)

So, we got in the car and stopped at my mom's office to get a stop watch (she coached track) to keep us occupied during our drive and also to tell us how close my pains were during our trip.

After that, Ken and I hit the open roads between Mishawaka and Kalamazoo. We discussed things like how our lives were going to change and whether or not we wanted to circumcise our baby. Very soon, we discovered that my pains were only a couple minutes apart but not lasting a minute yet (about 45 seconds). About an hour down the road, I was feeling very uncomfortable. We were breathing slowly through all my pains. Ken was helping me focus as he swiftly drove to the hospital. I began to shift in my seat to try to find a comfortable position. Just as I did, I heard him yell loudly, "Get your feet off the dashboard. We have to make it to the hospital." (Ken later said he wondered if he should have called an ambulance about that time.)

About 15 minutes later, we got to the clinic where the midwives told us to be checked in the basement of the hospital. They sent us to a waiting room and said they would call us back in a few minutes. I decided I wanted to use the restroom, and Ken walked me to the restroom and waited outside the door.

When I sat down, I realized the wetness I was feeling was not going to be easily cleaned up. I yelled for Ken to come in. Within a millisecond, Ken yelled down the hall for someone to come very quickly. A midwife came in with a doppler to check on my status and that of our baby (which everyone was sure was a boy - but we wanted to leave it a surprise). This is exactly what that midwife said, "Ok! The baby's heartbeat is in a fine range. But, you have a decision to make. I can feel the baby's head about this far from the surface," as she pointed to the end of her fingernail on her thumb. "You have a decision to make. We can deliver the baby right here in this bathroom or you can get in this wheelchair and try to hold it until you get up to the delivery unit."

Immediately, Ken said, "Baby, get in this wheelchair! We're going upstairs!" A nurse from the clinic and a security guard got in the elevator with us and all three of them were breathing in sync with me the entire time. When we got to the delivery unit, they had the closest room to the elevator waiting with the delivery midwife, her nursing assistants, and a few nursing students. They told me to put a gown on and get in bed.

Ken helped me and we quickly got into place. As the midwife was checking me again, the questions began. "When was your last period?" "What?" I asked. "What was the first day of your last period?" "Uh, 9 months ago!" "Yes, but what was the day?" "I DON'T KNOW! Do you have to ask these questions NOW?" So, they agreed to save the paperwork for later but then asked if a few more students could stay and watch the delivery. "WHY NOT, I DON'T CARE."

Only five pushes later, the midwife announced, "We have a baby girl!" Ken immediately left my side and went over to our new baby girl. He got to hold her first and call our parents. (We were supposed to call my mom when we got to the hospital.) When my mom got to the phone, Ken immediately said, "We have a baby girl!" She answered, "Are you at the hospital?" "Yes!" he replied, "We got here about 20 minutes ago."

Shortly after the birth, they asked us what we wanted to name our baby girl. Ken brought her to me and we looked into her beautiful face. The "M" girl names we had discussed were Mindy and Megan. Ken said, "Which should it be?" I was so stricken with awe that I said, "I don't know. You pick." He said, "I like Megan. She doesn't look like a Mindy to me." So, we named our baby girl Megan Dee Burrow and loved on her until the rest of our family members came to the hospital to see our new arrival. She weighed 7 pounds 5.5 ounces and was 19 1/2 inches long. She was born at 9:25am (Indiana time), 10:25am (in Michigan).


Monday, October 5, 2009

Megan's Celebration

Megan Dee Burrow
Oct. 8, 1999 - Oct. 1, 2009

Jesus came for our Megan, 9, on Thursday, October 1st, at 10:14 p.m. in her medical home, Riley Children's Hospital in Indianapolis. She was surrounded by her family and friends throughout the day. Megan had an infectious laugh, a soul-reaching smile, and an open heart to all who knew her.

Megan was born on Friday, October 8, 1999, in Kalamazoo, MI. She lived in South Bend, IN, until she was five years old and participated in the South Bend Schools SNAP Program for three years. After moving to Mishawaka in 2005, Megan attended kindergarten through third grade at Liberty Elementary School. She enjoyed spending time with her classmates and loved being read to.

Megan is survived by her parents, Ken and Lori Burrow, her sister, Monica Ann, all of Mishawaka; grandparents, Janet Boes of South Bend, David and Pamela Layson of Mishawaka; and her great-grandfather, David E. Layson of Edmonds, WA. Megan had two aunts, Lisa (Clint) Custer and Licia Dee (Anthony) Gerber. She had one cousin, Olivia Dee Gerber.

Preceding her in death were her grandfather, Kenneth Boes, and her great-grandparents, Evelyn Layson, Fred and Joan Brown.

Megan had a very full life. Her family took her everywhere they went, including attending weekly church services, visits with family members, and family vacations to Seattle, WA, and the Wisconsin Dells. Although she enjoyed going places, Megan really loved being with and interacting with people of all ages. She also enjoyed classical and jazz music and men's singing voices. Megan will be greatly missed by all those who knew her.

The family invites extended family, friends and acquaintances to celebrate Megan's life and memory. Viewing will be held on Tuesday, Oct. 6th, from 4-8 p.m. in Hahn Funeral Home, 505 W. 8th Street, Mishawaka, IN. Her service will be held on Wednesday, Oct. 7th, at 1:00 in St. Mark Missionary Church, Bittersweet Road, Mishawaka, IN. Burial will be at Southlawn Cemetery, South Bend.

Contributions may be made on Megan's behalf to the O'Hana Heritage Foundation at www.ohanaheritage.org or the Time Out Respite Program, c/o Professor Jayne Kendle (Nursing Department), at St. Mary's College.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Heavenly Gifts

Last weekend we were trying to take pictures of Megan and the ring we gave her for Christmas. It is a gold ring that says princess on it and has a crown. She is one of our princesses - so sweet and dainty. I am going to get a replica of Megan's ring and wear it forever.

We didn't know where our camera was at the time so I used my cell phone to capture a picture of Megan wearing her ring. Although I did not get a good picture of the ring, I just couldn't delete the pictures. I didn't want to delete anything that was of Megan.

When I woke on Friday morning - the first time without my Megan - I went to my cell phone to check all the wonderful support everyone has been sending our way (I get e-mails about comments). After that, I decided to thumb through the photos of Megan that I had taken with my phone.

The last "bad ring picture" I had taken was the first one I saw that morning. Only I saw something different. Turns out that a sneaky Jesus along with Megan's help had a gift waiting that I didn't see at the time because I was focused on the wrong thing.



We love you too, honey! Forever!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Megan is Home!

On November 8, 2004, I had a dream. I remember it because it was very powerful. I felt changed the next day. Although, the next day was very solemn. I wrote the events of the dream down in a notebook and placed a date at the top of the page so as to build an altar to recognize that it had, in fact, happened. It was real. (And, I found the notebook just before we came to the hospita at the bottom of a box of books in my closet because someone overflowed the tub in our bathroom and I had to "rescue" the books. That's not the important part though.)

I was standing and holding my Megan. Her arms were wrapped tightly around my neck and her legs wrapped tightly around my waist. This is my favorite type of hug, so very close. (Megan has not been able to hug me like that for a long time now. It's too hard.)
After a while, she pulls her head from my shoulder, looks into my face and says, "He's here."
I put her down facing Him and she walks up and takes His hand to walk away. Then, suddenly she stops, runs back and jumps into my arms, kisses me, hops down, and runs back to Him. They walk into out of the room together, hand in hand.
Then I looked down and saw my daughter's body in her bed and begin to walk toward the door to the room and tell my whole family who is standing there. "She's gone now. Let's go." Then we all walk out of the room together, hand in hand.
At that very moment I felt a sense of accomplishment and duty to carry on. I was not crying or deep in sorrow. I was very matter of fact in my movements and statements because I know that she is not gone forever.

From the moment I woke up, I felt changed. Could you really have a dream like that and write the words to this song underneath it?

I have the Joy, Joy, Joy, Joy down in my heart.
I have the Peace that passes understanding... down in my heart.
I have the Love of Jesus... down in my heart.
Down in my heart to stay!

Although it did not happen exactly as I dreamed, He came for our Megan tonight at 10:14pm.

My beautiful, wondrous, tiny little baby is whole now. She isn't in pain.

And, she's singing with my Granny again.

Megan's 10th Birthday Party

Here are pictures of Megan's birthday party complete with friends, gifts, cake, balloons, and laughter. The nurse manager announced to the entire unit that it was Megan's birthday party and all staff were welcome to come and enjoy a piece of cake with us.

She had a wonderful bouquet of balloons.

These friends hanging out with Megan, Memaw, and Monica include the child life specialists, Dr. K., and an intern. They also called Megan's outpatient specialists to come have a piece of cake to celebrate Megan with us. A couple of them came in as they had time.

Monica has always been Megan's gift-opening proxy and today was no exception.

Megan received a Tinker Bell poster for her room...

matching bracelets with Me and Monica that have an October charm on them...

matching necklaces with Monica...

and all of this.

Our favorite nurses finally let us take their picture.

And, I even felt like eating some cake.

Family of Four...still

We made it through the night as a family of four.

Megan and I.

Ken and the girls.

Our family of four.