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Friday, March 12, 2010

Internal battle

I have this battle waging in my mind lately. I know that I need to get up and go each morning, assist my husband, help my daughter to school, and work each day to serve my family and those around me. I know all this. These "tasks" keep me going. They give me direction for my attention.

I have found in the last week or so, as I go about my daily tasks that my mind knows these things, but my body does not. It feels like my body is dragging along as my mind steers it into the activities I need to finish. The last couple of days, I hear the cognitive messages my body is sending out. "I want to quit doing this." "This takes too long." I will never finish in the set time I have set apart." "I am going to disappoint."

And then, I hear my mind saying, "Just keep going." "I can't just sit out." "What I am doing really does matter." "Things have a way of working for the good if I can just finish." "I can rest later."

Several times during the day I find myself with variations of this same conversation playing in my mind. As I type this, the thought of playing music, the TV, or any type of noise is probably needed. Obviously, the sweet humming of my sewing machine is not doing the trick of keeping my mind at ease. But I digress.

I have had this battle waging for such a long time that I am getting a firmer grasp on one of the most confusing passages in the Bible, as I was memorizing it for childhood quizzing anyway. That was essentially the problem though. I was memorizing the words as they appeared on the page in order to answer questions regarding the content. It was fun to learn at the time. It is virtually a tongue twister, if you will.

Romans 7:14-25

"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

My current life circumstances have brought me closer to literally feeling what is being portrayed in this passage. I know what I am supposed to do. But, I am not always going to be perfect. Some days my body will win this war that is waging in my mind. I will fail. The point is that I get up and keep trying to steer my body in the right direction it should go. God will help me as long as I seek His help. I have to keep asking. Thanks be to God who is able to keep carrying me!


Anonymous said...

The kids and I just read this morning about how "The name of the Lord is a strong tower and the righteous run into it and are safe" (Psalm 18--I think). We're doing a study on the names of God, and we went through the whole of Psalm 20 also, looking for conditions we have to keep in order for God to answer us in times of trouble. Only condition--that we ask Him! That's all you can do, Lori! Keep asking, and He will keep providing day-by-day. Love you guys, and continue to pray daily for you.

Anonymous said...

I haven't commented on any of your blogs before today. But I have read everyone of them and some of them many times. The walk in this life is to be by faith and not sight. That is true at my age as well as your age. Remember, the Just will live by Faith. This means we do not always see or know the answers to our circumstances. God does not require us to take the whole journey at one time. He only asks us to take the next step at the appropriate time. I have no doubt that God is able to keep carrying you. Just keep asking for His help.