I'm not OK!

I have been living the last year and a half of my life keeping busy and just accepting that this is the road I have to walk. This was the plan for me. I have find a way to move on and not concentrate on the past. There's nothing I can do to change it. She's not coming back. There's no use in thinking any different. I just HAVE to accept it.

When I was little and got disciplined, I would literally take what I had to in public without frowning, wincing, or shedding a tear. Then, when I was all alone in the privacy of my own space, I allowed myself to release the feelings that I needed.

I can't hold it together anymore. I feel bad. I can't concentrate. I am tired. I can't sleep. I don't know how to name, let alone release, the feelings inside me. And it really sucks.

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Why is my eye twitching?

Or, better yet, why won't my eye stop twitching? That's the question that's been bugging me the most. It hasn't seemed important so I've been trying to ignore it the last few weeks.

Then, I caught this thread on MckMama's forum. She was wondering why her eye was twitching too. Then I realized there were, like, 5 pages of responses from people who had the same problems and links to common sources to the eye twitching problem.

Here are the most common sources of the problem according to Eye Care Basics.com.

Why Does My Eye Twitch?
Eye twitches can be triggered by a variety of different factors. Some of the conditions that cause eye twitches are environmental, some are physiological, and some are psychological in nature. Below is a list of some of the more common causes of eye twitch:

* Fatigue or lack of sleep
* Over consumption of caffeine
* Physical or emotional stress
* Anxiety or phobias
* Brain damage or other neurological disorders
* Associated with temper tantrums (especially in children)
* Eye stress associated with extended viewing of the computer screen
* Epilepsy

The only two I can't really identify with are neurological disorders and epilepsy (in myself, that is, because I have extensive experience in this area of physical ailments). Of the other 6 reasons, I deal with one of them daily from my daughter and the rest pretty much have. me. pegged. That must be the reason BOTH my eyes have been twitching this week!

(Plus, maybe the fact that I tried to post this on my business blog rather than this one. I hope I got it deleted before anyone saw it!)

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Today is day 365!

If you look down to the left sidebar at the Twitter feed you'll see that it has been 365 days since my Megan went Home! She was rare! treasured! priceless! I have been getting by emotionally lately by not thinking about the fact that today was coming. But, the last couple of days I have been thinking about how I can make today turn into the best that it can for our whole family.


Ken is working today and Monica is attending school. I have been here in my studio working. The only project I have been working on today has been to finish writing the Back-to-School Handbook for Special Needs Children. This handbook is turning out to be really awesome. I haven't released it yet because its a bit more than I was expecting it to be. I think it is really going to help people who have a special needs and/or medically fragile child start an awesome conversation with the school and keep the lines of communication open, honest, and enjoyable.

I am using today to start contributing to my daughter's legacy rather than choosing to succumb to the personal stagnation that grief can create if we allow ourselves to be overcome by it. I am choosing to take each step as I feel led to offer inspiration, help, and hope to those who are living the amazing struggle of caring for their children in unfathomable ways. I can't wait to show you what I've been up to!

"I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me!"
Philippians 4:13

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Stream of consciousness

I am going to try this blogging method today because I don't have a ready topic right now but want to say something to my lovely readers. I don't like it when I don't say anything for a week or longer.

I have been pretty busy. Running an online store, attending the flea market 2 days a week, keeping up with inventory for both, trying to design a new line of girl/doll clothes, and redesigning my website are HUGE time swallowers!

We did have a chance to take Monica to the fair on Thursday and had a lot of fun. She rode her first non-kid sized ferris wheel, had her hair sprayed pink like Pinky Dinky Doo, and won a gold fish at one of the games.

Me? I found a sewing store vendor at the exhibition booth and fell in love with the serger I have only heard about and think about in my dreams. It did not disappoint! Now, I am completely re-prioritizing my business cash flow to include this machine much sooner so that I can start designing new, more professionally looking KNITWEAR myself and not buying them from other vendors to re-sell. Yes, I know I am crazy about this. I also know knitwear is not known for being an easy medium for sewists. I can't wait to tackle it though, LOL!

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Dear Megan,

I miss you, girlie! Whenever I start to think about you, my heart smiles...then I think about what you must be doing right now. I can't wrap my mind around the place where you are, what that place looks like, how differently you look, what you are thinking about, and if you are thinking of Daddy, Monica, and I waiting to see you again.

When I hear someone speak of Heaven, I think of you. When I hear songs about praising Jesus, I wonder what it feels like to you to actually be there. I can't fathom the emotions that you must feel surrounded by everyone there. It makes my heart smile, and glad that Jesus made a way for us to know and see one another again when I get there too.

Then, I start to think about how long it may be before that takes place and I feel my eyes getting moist and start to wipe the tears. I am not sorry that you don't have to live in a body that doesn't work anymore. I don't know how you did it with such a pleasant attitude - I don't think I could have lived in your body and still smiled most days.

I just want you to know that I miss you and can't wait to see you again. You are in my thoughts every. single. day.

Love,
Mommy

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I almost....

decided to delete this blog. I have had a MAJOR case of blogger's block. I could think of things to say. But when I started typing - I didn't like how I did it, the words I used, my thoughts about the topic, etc. So, I never saved or published them.

I almost let my internal negative self-talk beat me down into thinking, "why bother?" anymore. The point in the beginning was to journal our life with a special needs child. But, what happened was, that life ended. Our daily lives look nothing like they did before.

Instead of deleting this blog - I started doing some reading. I got a grasp on thinking things through rationally. I learned a way of planning which direction I want to go.

Initially, I wanted to help others through my experiences when I started this blog. And, because I was just posting with my instincts and not really planning the direction I was headed, I stalled when I internally told myself that having this blog didn't make sense anymore - especially when I started reading through my blog. I hadn't read many of the posts since I published them.

I am trying to shut that thinking down. It has been a huge process for me. I have had a lot of thoughts while I have been working lately, trying to make sense of applying the information I learned to who I am and how I want to portray living a "special needs life". I am still planning and trying to make sense of everything going on in my head so that it comes out coherently.

I still want this to be a place to celebrate the special lives that have touched us, to find resources for living, and keep hoping for our future.

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I'm still here...

I have planned a dozen posts in the last two weeks.
None of them were ever photographed, edited, or typed out.
I am tiring of posting about loss.
I want to seem upbeat and not a downer.
My posts keep getting mixed between up and down and I'm worried about seeming bipolar.
I have information about living with special needs and how we did it.
I don't want others to think I don't know what I'm talking about because I don't have a special needs child anymore.
We are supposed to be normal now.
We do everything like we're supposed to now.
I don't always pick the "way of the ramp" anymore.
I look like the mom of a 9 year old child.
But, I don't feel like a normal mom of just one child - because I'm not.

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Sunday mornings..

have been really difficult for me since Megan went to Heaven. It's hard to get yourself psyched up to go and participate at a place where people are talking, laughing, and singing praises to God. I haven't been in a place emotionally to deal with all of the lyrics that some of the choruses have. Sometimes I mouth the words. Sometimes I try to sing with that huge lump in my throat. Sometimes I just stand there and listen and I can't fight that huge lump. Tears just come on their own.

I don't have a doom and gloom feeling. I know that Megan is safe. I know that I will see her again. I am just overwhelmed by a stream of emotions. Of course I am not going to deny sorrow over the obvious separation we temporarily have. But, I am thankful that Megan is in safe keeping, that we have accepted the free gift that God has given us, that one day we will all be together again, and we will be able to see what our girl looks like in perfect condition and how differently we will be able to interact with her than when we were together here on earth.

Each Sunday, as I contemplate what all this means and at least listen to the lyrics, I have felt guilty. I don't want other people to think that I don't have hope for the future - because I do. I get through most of the week at home sidestepping the landmines that I know about (mostly). But, when I get in the presence of Jesus - I don't feel like crying, "Holy, Holy, Holy!" I just feel like crying. Some Sundays, I have contemplated not going to church because of it.

Then, a couple weeks ago, I heard this song and felt comforted. God does want to know how we feel. It's ok for me to have those feelings. One day, I will feel like crying, "Holy, Holy, Holy!" again. Until then, I hope this song speaks the voice of Jesus telling me He understands.

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Busy, Busy

Today I am...

1. getting ready for a garage sale. I said there's a lot more where this came from!
2. reading in blogland.
3. doing some laundry.
4. planning for next week's flea market stuff.
5. trying to my house looking decent even though I am getting a ton of stuff out for the yard sale.
6. running some errands.
7. finding so many grocery sacks. I could probably help about 5 yard sales out with those - they are multiplying like rabbits X 10!!!
8. trying to make sense of myself. I have all these activities going and can't focus on any one thing for any amount of time.
9. wishing I could just figure out how to do one thing, finish it, and move to another before starting something new.
10. trying to make the most of the time I have with my family!

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Flea Market

My husband is accompanying me at the Flea Market (about an hour from home) on Tuesdays and Wednesdays this year. This is my fourth year participating as a vendor at the Flea Market and I have always sat in my booth alone, with the exception for one long 4th of July holiday a couple of years ago.

We are staying in my parents' trailer at a nearby campground. We are getting 2 days/evenings each week of alone time this month. Last week was the first time that we have had any alone time like that since we became parents.

We are beginning to make plans for our "alone activities" (other than the obvious) during the part of the week that we are at home. It is something nice we are looking forward to. Although we both miss Monica and she says she doesn't like being without us those two days, it is something Ken and I have needed for a long time! When you have a stressful medical schedule to follow, you just focus on getting done what needs to be done and then crashing at the end of the day (if its your turn). That doesn't leave much time to just be together and enjoy the company.

Now, we have the chance to learn new things about how we are different and remember what we liked about one another in the beginning. It's something to be thankful for in the midst of trying to find our way as our lives change.

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I'm overwhelmed...

...by the thoughts in my head.
...by the fact that I have gone so long without thinking of something to say.
...by the number of times I have to tell myself, "Just pick something and start!"
...by the clothes on the overflowing closets, drawers, and laundry room.
...by the toys and stuff strewn about the house.
...by the number of boxes in the basement that need dealt with.
...by the lists of things to do running in my brain keeps playing over and over, adding new items each time I run through it.
...by the number of choices I have each day.
...by the thought of not getting my "get up and go" moving.
...by the number of holidays there are throughout the year.
...by the sight of so many of Megan's things around.
...by the thought of needing to do something with those things that differ from the reason we got them in the first place.
...by the number of things I am asked to do each day by my family members.
...by the fact that I have let so many things just lie for so long that now I don't remember what I was doing with them.
...by the number of verses there are in the Bible.
...by my girl's homework.
...by my dog's need for love and affection.
...by the fact that this list is no where near exhaustive and has no sense of order.
...by the number of things I must do each day for my business.
...by the amount of time I have to do those tasks in.
...by the number of minutes to the day.
...by the number of days it has been since I last felt like myself.

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Thoughts

It's hard on the days when Monica is at school and Ken is at work all day.
I am here. alone. with my thoughts.

I don't like noise though.
I want it quiet.
I don't even turn the TV on anymore.

It is especially hard when I don't want to get up.
I have to get up and make someone else (who doesn't want to get up) get up.
Then, we have to fight ourselves and each other to get where we need to go for the day.

I am so looking forward to not having to do that anymore very soon.
Summer is my favorite season.
It's nice out.
This year we get to go places and do things we didn't always get to do.

I have found myself thinking, "Wow! Megan would have really loved this!"
And, then I think, "Wait a minute. No, she didn't! She couldn't when she was here."

I thought I had already mourned the fact that she wasn't a normal child.
But, I find myself mourning it all over again, now that she's gone.

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Ramblings

I am working on an upcoming post detailing what I am doing to help my 8 year old help us around the house instead of trying to pick up faster than she can dish out.

I just finished a tutorial for my other blog about baby doll bibs. You can see it here. It's amazing how long it takes to describe in each little detail about something that is really so simple.

I am sewing my most current doll carrier fabrics today in hopes of getting Monica's help for my photo shoot so I can freshen up the home page of my website and get better shots of some other stuff. The lighting is so better outside and makes the pictures so much more lovely. And, it is a decent temperature today - 62 is better than 32 any day!

I am making something for a friend of mine and I hope to get it mailed to her by the end of the week. Just a small token of appreciation.

I am making new friends and enjoying their company.

I have found so many awesome ideas lately, I can't pick the one I want to try next.

I need to finish some projects I started. Many of them are half-way done. They shouldn't take long to finish, right? I just hope I can remember what it was they were supposed to be, LOL!

Then, I have to sort out the new stuff I get in the mail every day so I can get it all in my van when the Flea Market starts in a couple of weeks. Wowsers! May is almost here already!

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I did what you told me, Mom!

She said it with a straight face just like this.


And then she added, "It's just that today is opposite day and you forgot when you gave me the instructions!"



I said to her, "Oh, my bad!" Luckily, it wasn't about anything important.

Do you remember the phases you went through as a child before or after your child brings it to you like it's a brand new thing?

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You have a new BFF...

I love getting messages. I got a "cool phone" about a year ago and I LOVE! IT! It tells me everything I need to know plus even more stuff that I didn't even know I wanted to know - but now I do!

For example, I learned how to text. **Should I be proud of myself for this accomplishment or not? Let me know in the comments.** This phone made it so much simpler to do. And, it has a keyboard, which means I don't have to know how many times to push each number for my desired letter. (How texting caught on with those dinosaurs, I'll never know!)

Secondly, my "cool phone" has the internet and subsequently an e-mail account linked to it. I needed this phone because I am a business woman. I need to know when someone from my website asks me a question or orders something, right? If I am out buying groceries then I can still reply and it makes it look like I am at work all day long, right? And, if I get an order then I know that I have to schedule a trip to the post office as well. Those actions in and of themselves are great reasons to get a "cool phone."

I also found out that I could forward many alerts to be sent to my phone's e-mail address. Like when someone works on my farm in Farm Town or someone leaves me a tip in Cafe World or when someone comments on one of my blogs (Yes, I have two of them).
**Free gift to the person who finds and tells me where my other blog is.**

And, even more importantly, when I get a new BFF. You see, these people at the Blog Frog (They help people with blogs and common interests link up with each other) came up with this genius idea. Not only can you follow someone's blog, their Twitter, or be their friend or fan on Facebook, you can now also follow other people's profiles on, you guessed, the Blog Frog.

I didn't think much of it at first when I got the notice a few weeks ago. I have been kind of busy with family and trying to make something of my business. But then I started getting these phone notifications that show the subject line of the message being sent. These e-mails from the Blog Frog say, ".....is now your BFF." "....is now your BFF." ".....is now your BFF." Get the idea yet? Yes, I realize that when I read the detailed message that these people are now just my "Blog Frog Friend," but it kind of makes a girl feel good. I think I'll look at one of those messages again - because I just got another alert.

Yea! I have a new BFF!

And now, all you lovely BFF's can see who my other BFF's are on my left sidebar when they read my blog. If I get enough I might start a community. What do ya'll think?

Note: No, I was not paid by anyone to write this meager advertisement. But, if either T-Mobile or the Blog Frog wants to pay me - who am I to turn you away? And, Yes, this really is a giveaway post. Better look through this post again to find out all the questions you have to answer to win. You have until Friday night. Because I am going to post the winner on Saturday morning with my Junk Out! post. It could be you!

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Monica and I

We can't wait to do more things like this soon!


Summer is almost here and we are just chomping at the bit to get out this year!

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Foreshadowing

Something was off and I thought it was just my attitude. I wasn't hungry and couldn't decide on something to eat. Nothing sounded good and the nibbles I had of a few things didn't taste well. So I went to the cupboard and found my cup of noodles, which came with a flashback. I remembered how those little cups of noodles have always helped me, most recently when I couldn't eat anything heavy - or I was afraid that I was going to see what I ate again in an unfriendly way. Nevertheless, I was happy and they helped me.(Just check out my crazy last post. It was actually a cover for a giveaway - but no one jumped at the bit. Aren't you sad you never commented now?)

Then, Saturday I was more tired than usual despite having the best night's sleep in a long time. Yesterday my throat was really scratchy and yucky. I almost used it as a reason not to go to church. I pushed myself through though and survived. Later in the evening, my sinuses felt different and I had that dripping feeling. In the middle of the night I was gasping for something to drink because my mouth was so dry. Yes, I was mouth breathing out of necessity because my nose was so stuffy and I had shoved Kleenexes into my nostrils because they were still dripping and I just wanted to get some sleep. (Ok, it was toilet paper. I used up all the Kleenexes last week using them as toilet paper. When will I be normal again?) Anyway, when it was almost morning I finally woke up enough to realize I had to do something. I got out the nasal spray. It helped me sleep the rest of the night.

I had a lot of gumption to get up and complete some things that I wanted to do today. Monica has school and Ken is working. The last couple of days I have been alone like that have been a huge struggle for me and I wanted to conquer that emotional struggle today. I got my stuff out, had a great photo shoot, (I hope) and then my body said, "I'm done!" I was going to take a nap. But, I can't sleep. When I lay down, I can't breathe. I can't even smell the Vapor Plug that is in the outlet right next to me. I am still not really hungry but know that if I don't have something to eat that I will be even worse. So, when I go get Monica from school I am going to get me some more of that fabulous noodle soup for dinner.

I hope I have the energy to get up, edit, and post those photos this evening and am able to send out the newsletters that my customers are dying to get that they don't know about yet. You know, because it's almost Easter - and those little girls need stuff for their dolls, right?

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Ode to...

Cup Noodles!
You are often tossed, trampled, and teased.
You are mistreated beyond belief.
Yet you perform a valuable service to those in need.
You are your own container and are quick and easy to prepare.
You are silly, slinky, slimy, and salty.
You are a food and a drink all together.
You are inexpensive, yet so valuable.
You are my physical sustenance when nothing else can be.
You are one of my best friends in my time of need.

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Internal battle

I have this battle waging in my mind lately. I know that I need to get up and go each morning, assist my husband, help my daughter to school, and work each day to serve my family and those around me. I know all this. These "tasks" keep me going. They give me direction for my attention.

I have found in the last week or so, as I go about my daily tasks that my mind knows these things, but my body does not. It feels like my body is dragging along as my mind steers it into the activities I need to finish. The last couple of days, I hear the cognitive messages my body is sending out. "I want to quit doing this." "This takes too long." I will never finish in the set time I have set apart." "I am going to disappoint."

And then, I hear my mind saying, "Just keep going." "I can't just sit out." "What I am doing really does matter." "Things have a way of working for the good if I can just finish." "I can rest later."

Several times during the day I find myself with variations of this same conversation playing in my mind. As I type this, the thought of playing music, the TV, or any type of noise is probably needed. Obviously, the sweet humming of my sewing machine is not doing the trick of keeping my mind at ease. But I digress.

I have had this battle waging for such a long time that I am getting a firmer grasp on one of the most confusing passages in the Bible, as I was memorizing it for childhood quizzing anyway. That was essentially the problem though. I was memorizing the words as they appeared on the page in order to answer questions regarding the content. It was fun to learn at the time. It is virtually a tongue twister, if you will.

Romans 7:14-25

"We know that the law is spiritual; but I am unspiritual, sold as a slave to sin. I do not understand what I do. For what I want to do I do not do, but what I hate I do. And if I do what I do not want to do, I agree that the law is good. As it is, it is no longer I myself who do it, but it is sin living in me. I know that nothing good lives in me, that is, in my sinful nature. For I have the desire to do what is good, but I cannot carry it out. For what I do is not the good I want to do; no, the evil I do not want to do—this I keep on doing. Now if I do what I do not want to do, it is no longer I who do it, but it is sin living in me that does it.

So I find this law at work: When I want to do good, evil is right there with me. For in my inner being I delight in God's law; but I see another law at work in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind and making me a prisoner of the law of sin at work within my members. What a wretched man I am! Who will rescue me from this body of death? Thanks be to God—through Jesus Christ our Lord!"

My current life circumstances have brought me closer to literally feeling what is being portrayed in this passage. I know what I am supposed to do. But, I am not always going to be perfect. Some days my body will win this war that is waging in my mind. I will fail. The point is that I get up and keep trying to steer my body in the right direction it should go. God will help me as long as I seek His help. I have to keep asking. Thanks be to God who is able to keep carrying me!

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Let me introduce you...

to my new baby.

(And, no, I'm not talking about my diet coke! Look just to the left of that.)


She's new and sleek and a workhorse of a machine. This machine is capable of everything I need to make my purses. My purses were very taxing on my other machine (almost homicidal), and this baby will take the pressure off of that one so it can do the beauty work it was once made to do.

Like I said, this baby is a workhorse. I can sew for hours at one of three different speeds, wind a bobbin separately while I am still sewing, and adjust for the thicknesses of my project at the slightest twist of a knob.


This machine has a commanding reverse and very powerful cutting mechanism (see the scissor button?). That scissor button is so powerful, it made me sit back in my chair, you know, like when you're scared of pulling the trigger on a loaded air power tool?

Yes, Yes, Yes, Everyone! This machine is the equivalent of the Big Truck every man dreams about. And, it's all mine thanks to all my wonderful Christmas sales!!!

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