Picture Proof

I never really knew my great-grandparents. We have a picture of my younger sister being held by my great-grandfather (on my mother's side) as an infant. That picture was taken just months before he passed away. Although, I am not sure who has this picture now.

My Grandpa Brown was given a life-extending (30 years - a true miracle) kidney transplant just after my parents were married in 1972. Well, when my two daughters were born, I rushed them to see my Grandparents to get "proof" that they met in real life. We knew my Grandfather was getting frail when Megan was born.



So, as soon as Monica was born we rushed her over too. This was taken when she was only a week or two old.



This one was taken with Grandpa and Monica just a few weeks before he died.



We were fortunate enough to get a picture of my Dad's parents with both of our girls at a family reunion just over a year before my Grandma died. They lived across the country from us. Actually, this is a picture of all of their great-grandkids at the time. Megan (left of Grandpa) and Monica (right of Grandma) were the youngest.



Then, in 2008, when my sister got pregnant after being told it might not be possible for her to get pregnant, we encouraged my Granny to "keep on" so that she could meet little Livie. When Livie was born, we couldn't wait to get a picture of Granny and Livie. Here she is snoozing with Livie - Monica was watching and had to get into the picture too.



Granny loved babies and loved holding them. She loved being a Grandma and a Great-Grandma. She could hold our babies for hours and hours.

This spring we were lucky enough to find and purchase matching dresses for Megan, Monica, and Livie for Easter. As it turned out, Megan spent quite a bit of time in the hospital this spring (3 weeks in April). We didn't know if we would be able to bring Megan home, much less attend Easter Sunday at church. I shared with a friend that we had purchased matching dresses for Easter and were hoping to be able to get a picture of the girls wearing them and I hoped that God would allow us to keep Megan long enough to get that picture that we wanted. When Megan got better enough to come home we decided as a family to save the matching dresses and just take the girls to a portrait studio when Megan was feeling better.

Needless to say, Megan had a difficult time staying out of the hospital this summer too (1 week in May, 3 weeks in June, and 1 week in July). We never got a chance to take the girls to the portrait studio. However, on Tuesday, August 4, we got this picture.



It is of the three girls wearing their Easter dresses for the first time at Granny's funeral. Megan had a very sleepy day and we didn't really see much of her eyes. But we have this "proof" of the fact that she met Livie if we weren't able to get to the portrait studio.

Livie will know that she met Megan and that Meggie loved her too.

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Rough week...

We started the weekend getting ready for Megan's sleep study knowing that we may not see my Granny ever again. The four of us went to see her. Megan waved to Granny. It was a very touching moment.

Then, we packed our van and went to Indianapolis for the sleep study. Megan was still fussing quite a bit. We gave her some extra pain medication for the trip so that it would not be unbearable. We checked into our hotel and got ready for her appointment. We had to pack all of her medications, breathing treatments, diapering supplies, etc. (You would think we have about 5 kids if you saw how full our van was.)

I took Megan to the sleep study. I took pictures of her wearing her gear, the mom bed, etc. I was going to write this great post about sleep studies and what you go through during the event. It looked for a while that Megan was going to go to sleep. But, she got agitated. And, more agitated. Annnnd, MORE AGITATED. She NEVER went to sleep. When the time was over in the morning, I was frustrated. I don't want Megan to feel like we are asking too much of her. I have watched my Granny say "enough is enough" most recently.

My Grandpa Brown (Granny's husband) was a 30+ year kidney transplant survivor. He lived every day of his life remembering the gift that he was given, not only from Christ but his brother as well. He asked my parents to get married a month sooner in 1972 because he did not know if he would survive. Not only did I enjoy a wonderful relationship with him and granny, I have pictures of them holding both of my children. He knew what a gift just being able to live every day was. I want my family, and especially Megan, to feel that way too. I wasn't supposed to know my Grandpa. But, God granted us more time to know him. He believed in fighting for each moment to improve life until there were no moments left.

I am torn. While I know that Megan's condition is eventually terminal, I want her to view each day as a gift and not too much to ask of her. I don't want her to think that living is just too hard. It's a fine balance, and I am having a really rough time with my feelings this week.

A couple weeks ago, someone asked me how we deal with Megan's hospitalizations and knowing her physical limitation looming ahead of us every time. I told them, "we prepare for the worst, and then hope for the best." I didn't know how else to describe what we go through.

A few weeks ago I found a message someone left on my post regarding Megan's diagnosis. This statement has stuck with me. It says what I was feeling and what I want to continue living. "First, you have to do what you have to do to prepare for death, you pursue health as well as you can without letting it take over your life, and then you live as though you are going to live." This is so hard. And, it is hitting me hard as I say my earthly goodbye to my Granny any moment.

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I don't know...

...why my daughter has been so uncomfortable the last two days and needing more doses of her pain medication.

...what her sleep study tomorrow night will be like - if she will sleep at all with all the EEG wires, O2 and CO2 monitors, chest belt (kind of like when you're measuring contractions - only measures strength of inhale/exhale), and toe probes.

...what type of information we will find out Sunday morning about the results or if we will have to wait until her pulmonologist's appointment on August 7th.

...if I will even want to know when they tell us how she is doing.

...if my grandmother will still be here when we return from Indianapolis Sunday evening, or

...if we all just said goodbye to her for the last time.

But, I do know that they are both ready to meet the Lord who loves and made them however soon or far into the future it may be.

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The Art of Living

I have invited my Mom to share a part of her life that has been very difficult and yet rewarding at the same time. She is in the midst of honoring her mother's ultimate wishes, which has proven to be quite a task in these last few months, weeks, and finally days. Please pray for my mother and grandmother as my grandmother awaits her Heavenly invitation and my mother enjoys the final moments of their relationship here on earth. These are my mom's reflections:

Over the past nine days, I have been sitting at the bedside of my mother who is living the final days of her life. As I watch and pray, several things have stood out to me.

Developing and maintaining a relationship with God our Creator, Jesus our Savior and Lord, and the Holy Spirit our constant guide and helper, is the most important relationship we can cultivate.

There is no substitute for a team of loving, caring people at life’s end. Whether they are close family members or health care workers, tenderness and a willingness to tend to your physical, emotional, and spiritual needs cannot be overrated.

Time appears to little children as something that takes “forever” to tick by. As children turn into adults, time begins to pass very quickly. As people approach midlife, time flies by so quickly it appears that the “things” we believe we must accomplish may not come to fruition. Finally, at life’s end, time appears to stand still. It becomes our enemy because we so want to celebrate the beginning of new life in heaven with Jesus and our loved ones who have gone on before us.

All people need other people. There is really no such thing as a “loner.” God made us to serve and support one another. The love, care, and prayers of others is of utmost importance during difficult times. The relationships we cultivate and the people we lovingly serve throughout our lives become the legacy we leave behind.

Nothing takes the place of heart-felt laughter during trying times in life. It is so important not to take oneself or those around us too seriously. A guffaw coming from deep in the belly is very healing to a hurting heart.

We come into and go out of the world with no earthly treasures. All material possessions that we store up over our lifetime have no meaning or worth and the end of our lives. Those things we have held so dearly are not necessarily held so closely to those we are leaving behind. In fact, those stored up possessions can become quite a nuisance to family and friends.

The direction the toilet paper is placed on the roller, putting the cap on the toothpaste, and the manner in which the towels and washcloths are folded really doesn’t matter. Allowing the small things to frustrate us steals away our joy. Listening to the birds early in the morning, feeling the soft breeze blow across our faces, noticing the ladybug on the rosebush, and stealing a long look at the face of a sleeping baby brings peace, comfort, and joy to our souls.

Being able to remember these simple thoughts when life once again speeds up is my personal challenge. I so want to leave a legacy of love and care for others. This, for me, is the act of living a successful life.

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