It's been almost 3 1/2 years and I still find that grief is hard. It's a daily struggle to try to come to terms with what I've been through. Right when we faced our most difficult times, I felt comforted. I felt like I had the strength to go through so many obstacles in caring for Megan and her many tasks/needs. I could feel the prayers of others lifting my feet and putting one foot in front of the other.
If I'm being honest, these days I don't feel that. It takes great effort to put my feet on the floor and one in front of the other. I feel so far away from what was and struggling to make something of what is to be now and in the future.
When you've been through what I have, hope is hard. I've heard the tape playing in my mind that, "since God didn't rescue from circumstances then, why would he do anything else now or in the future." I know it's "stinkin' thinkin.'" But it's what I am mulling over right now.
Dear Lori, I have read your blog today with much emotion. I remember when you were born and I got to hold you for the first time. What a joy for me. You were so small (compared to us) and Mom and I had to care for your every need. You had a hard time digesting milk and we tried so hard to find something that you could eat until you grew enough to eat solid food. We watched you grow through many stages in life. I remember when there would be a storm outside and the lightning was flashing and the thunder was rolling. You girls would come running and jump into bed with us and you felt safe and went back to sleep. But we didn’t always feel as safe as you did. As you got older we tried to let the strings out a little at a time. I remember following you to school (especially when it snowed) once you learned to drive to make sure you got there OK. Mom and I have learned that the older you get the less we can protect you from every thing that could harm you. When your Uncle Peter had cancer and later died, he said that he had to come to the place of faith that he had to trust God to take care of his family whether he was alive or not. Mom and I have had to come to that in our lives as well with you girls. We can only trust in God to protect you in ways that we cannot. My prayer for you is that God will let you know that you are not alone in your struggle with this. There is not a day that goes by that I do not pray for you. You are NOT alone. No matter what, God is worthy of your faith and trust. Know this, I love you more than ever as the years go by.Love, Dad.
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