Friday, March 25, 2011

I'm not OK!

I have been living the last year and a half of my life keeping busy and just accepting that this is the road I have to walk. This was the plan for me. I have find a way to move on and not concentrate on the past. There's nothing I can do to change it. She's not coming back. There's no use in thinking any different. I just HAVE to accept it.

When I was little and got disciplined, I would literally take what I had to in public without frowning, wincing, or shedding a tear. Then, when I was all alone in the privacy of my own space, I allowed myself to release the feelings that I needed.

I can't hold it together anymore. I feel bad. I can't concentrate. I am tired. I can't sleep. I don't know how to name, let alone release, the feelings inside me. And it really sucks.

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12 comments:

  1. AmyOctober 3, 2012 at 9:21 PM

    My dear, dear Lori - As someone who has lived with you, I know how you "save face" and are strong when all others would collapse. You are still one of the very strongest people I know, but it is okay to let loose and yell, "THIS SUCKS!" every once in a while. Because the rest of us are doing so on your behalf. We are still praying for you and Ken and Monica and the rest of the family. We will continue to do so, even if you appear before us broken, sobbing, and looking for answers. You are greatly loved, my dear friend. Let us continue to love on you and tell us when it hurts. I love you!

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  2. Charity COctober 3, 2012 at 9:21 PM

    Thank you for your honesty. Much love to you.

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  3. Charity COctober 3, 2012 at 9:21 PM

    I am sitting here looking at my other comment realizing how puny and stupid it is and trying to figure out something else to say...but only have my heart here for you. and again, much love to you.

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  4. ClarissaOctober 3, 2012 at 9:21 PM

    My prayers are with you! It sucks living without our children... just keep looking to Him... Jesus will carry you!

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  5. LoriOctober 3, 2012 at 9:21 PM

    Thanks, Charity. I keep sighing too.

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  6. shannon schlachterOctober 3, 2012 at 9:21 PM

    Said a prayer for you. I don't think I could have gotten through the last year + without our counselor. He's a social worker I guess. Sometimes I would just sit and cry not saying anything and he made me feel like that was okay. Praying you find something or someone to help you!

    Sometimes it is just plain hard, and it hurts!

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  7. Charity COctober 3, 2012 at 9:21 PM

    you are oh so welcome my dear, dear friend.

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  8. Cap CreationsOctober 3, 2012 at 9:21 PM

    Lori- Wish I could help you somehow. But I know it takes time. So sorry for your hurt. You have actually been on my mind. A lot today for some reason. Many prayers for you. {{{{hugs}}}}

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  9. Bradalex2October 3, 2012 at 9:21 PM

    Oh Lori, this made me cry! I pray for you all the time and I love the little bit of time we do spend together. I have always looked up to because you are so strong. It is ok to not know what to do, it is okay to let others know how you are feeling. I am always here if you need someone to yell at or a shoulder to cry on. I am a great listener. I love you

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  10. theaveryfamOctober 3, 2012 at 9:21 PM

    I'm way behind on my blog reading and have just now read yours. I hate that you are hurting. I love you, Lori and will pray for you and Ken and Monica.

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  11. IvemarkOctober 3, 2012 at 9:21 PM

    I think it is ok to cry, to let God know that you can not do it anymore, that you are tired. Lori, God knows you, he knows how you feel. You are not going to surprise him. Several times I came to God and let him know how I felt about stuff. I cried, complained and I could see that when I got to the point to really let him know (sometimes I thought even being bad talking to God that way!) was when he helped me to find peace. I needed to ask him to exchange my feeling for the ones that he had. The miracle happened to me. It was not over night, but it happened. I am not saying that you are doing wrong, not at all. I am just say that you are allowed to cry, to feel tired, and just let Him take care of you. Let him dry your tears. I read your posts and I cried with each one. I am praying for you. God loves you so much.

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  12. Josh Michelle StoryOctober 3, 2012 at 9:21 PM

    Thank you for sharing this... it took the words out of my mouth. A different journey, but similar pain. I hope that you will continue to know that it's ok for it not to be ok! {I tell myself that daily!}

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