I'm not OK!

I have been living the last year and a half of my life keeping busy and just accepting that this is the road I have to walk. This was the plan for me. I have find a way to move on and not concentrate on the past. There's nothing I can do to change it. She's not coming back. There's no use in thinking any different. I just HAVE to accept it.

When I was little and got disciplined, I would literally take what I had to in public without frowning, wincing, or shedding a tear. Then, when I was all alone in the privacy of my own space, I allowed myself to release the feelings that I needed.

I can't hold it together anymore. I feel bad. I can't concentrate. I am tired. I can't sleep. I don't know how to name, let alone release, the feelings inside me. And it really sucks.