The edge

I've been staring at it for a while now. I've been looking back at it, wishing and dreaming it didn't happen. But, it has. Every time I try to turn myself around, little things come along beside me and I am reminded that the edge is there.

I've always been kind of a "glass half empty" kind of girl. That's just how I roll! The edge to me has been the imagery of being at a cliff, walking up to the edge, looking down towards the doom looming down there. I didn't want to have anything to do with it.

Then, my wonderful "glass half empty" personality changed the imagery. As the situations in my life changed, I think I actually felt myself falling down the cliff for a while. Then, I turned those feelings off - because they don't feel good. You can cope with them off.

But, I was still at the bottom of my cliff looking back up at the edge. I scrambled for a while trying to think of all the ways that I could get out of the situation. None of them were viable ways and, luckily, I recognized that truth and dismissed those notions. I leaned heartily on the support system I had left that I hadn't isolated myself from.

Last year, interestingly, through my efforts of trying to build my business on Twitter of all places, I found some blogs and thought, "I can do that!" So I did. I started this blog and off I went. But, something happened. I started thinking about the feelings I had shut off.

At the same time, I was able to reconnect with people I had isolated from. I even made some new connections with new people - imagine that! I am, always have been, and always will be - an introvert! I don't make friends easily and then when I do, I am always trying to find the reason that people are going to stop liking me. Or, use my negative circumstances as a reason that "my stuff is too heavy for others to want to bother with." (I know, I know - negative and pessimistic!)

Over the last year, I have been trying really hard to keep up the new connections I have made. I actually accepted an invitation and got out of the house to get coffee with someone. I went shopping and out to dinner with a friend. I went to a girl's night out get together at another friend's house. And, to top it all off, I did something really major! I went to a large 2-day womens conference and roomed with someone who wasn't another family member!

It was at this conference where I heard and learned a new definition of my "edge." The speaker defined the edge as "the point at which something is likely to begin." I bought her book to read more about it. Although the story is about her journey with weight loss and other issues unrelated to my circumstances, this simple principle is something that resonated with me.

The speaker wrote in her book, "How many times do we beseech God for something, sure that we know what's best for us? Oh-please-oh-please-oh-please, God! God is our all-knowing Creator, and we're the ones duped by our own self-centered and narrow-focused pleas. We think we know what's best for ourselves, and we beg God to give it to us. But sometimes God does what He knows is best for us, even while we're begging Him to do something different. Even when the divine thing he's doing looks like devastation through our limited earthly eyes."

I've been reading, "The Edge of the Divine" by Sandi Patty. It's helping me to redefine the edge in a positive way instead of doom. The edge is simply a place where something is likely to begin. A place where God can show me His divine nature and will for my next steps so that I am not continuously turning around to look for what I have lost. Hmmmm.