13

It's your 13th birthday! That sounds sooooo big.
Except that it's the 4th birthday that's gone by since you went home.
We're going to celebrate tonight. Daddy, Monica, and I.
We all still love every bit as much as we ever did.
We miss YOU like crazy!

The Importance of Telling Megan's Story

At the last session of our bi-monthly grief group, we were asked to write a journal entry about why it is important for us to continue telling Megan's story to others we come into contact with for the rest of our lives. At first, I had trouble writing because I was thinking of myself and how hard it is to explain to others who didn't know Megan or the magnitude of care she required. Where do I start? How do I explain? I have so many pieces all jumbled up in my head that I get so paralyzed about what to say.

In the end, as I listened to the other people talk about why they thought it was important to tell their stories, these things popped into my head.

• I want others to see that special needs children are real people with real feelings, wants, needs, and desires just like the rest of us.
• I want others to see that special needs children are a valuable gift to their parents just as any healthy child is. They are fragile treasures that are entrusted to us.
• Yes, special needs children require extra care. But, when you are tuned into their every sound, grin or grimace, and the expressions on their faces, you realize how much they have to offer to people who take the time to get to know them.
• I want others to know that it's NOT a big relief when they're gone. Special needs children aren't disposable people. It matters when they're gone. There's a HUGE void that is left.
• I may not have the daily struggles of caring for Megan anymore. But, my world was centered around her needs all. day. long. And that world vanished before my eyes. I felt lost and confused about my life without her.
• The journey to finding your next steps in life is a long process. You don't just automatically feel free to do everything you thought you wanted in life before your special needs child came into it. Life handed me something hard and scary. What if the next step I choose is hard and scary too?

3 years

It's been three years
...since we kissed your cheeks goodbye.
...since we held your little hand and you squeezed our fingers.
...since we sang Happy Birthday to you.
...since we saw you exhale for the last time.
...since we cleaned your body and got you dressed for the last time.
...since we left the hospital without you.
...since we smelled the fragrance in your hair.
...since we cuddled on the couch.
...since we read you any books, played you music, or sang to you.
And we Miss. It. All. Even the parts that weren't fun and were hard work - because we still had YOU.
Your amazing eyes. Your beautiful smile. Your cackley laugh. The softness in your voice. The way you made us feel when we were near you.
I want to see how you are now. The way we didn't get to see you here. I want to hear you talk. See you walk and run and play. Cook with Granny. Prepare for the future together. Do everything we didn't get to do together here.